three aloof, alien flagships. These armchair generals haven’t be inclined to dirty their hands thus far (ooh, surprise), but now they whirr into life and unleash torrents of ammunition at your exposed craft. Thankfully, there’s no thesis-inducing dive-bombing involved this time - they just move back and forth at pace until they blunder into some return fire. In keeping with the alternate fairyfolk theme, it’s worth noting that the pride of the alien fleet look like cute little goblin heads. Awww.
After marvelling at the destruction of the final command ship, the top half of your own vessel launches itself into space with unrestricted delight. Only to lose power and begin falling back to earth at a fairly sedate pace (an interstellar tumble which can be temporarily postponed by using the fire button to ignite stabilising rockets). It should be pretty easy to catch again, except that the remaining segment of spaceship chooses this precise moment to begin an uncontrollable series of sideways movement. This is the fourth and final stage or, as the blurb-writer would say, “... the exciting DOCKING MANOEUVRE ...” So exciting that it’s described in capitals and devoid of any rational explanation. However, bonus points are on offer here, so it’s perhaps best not to complain. Manage to reunite the two parts within the allotted time limit and the remaining seconds are yours to keep in the form of points. Fail, and you get nothing. Rightly so.
Either way, conclusion of the bonus stage returns the player to the grunt wave, beginning the four stage process all over again.
There’s no such thing as victory.
It’s worth perfecting the docking procedure as a method of wracking up points in a relatively cheap way - not just as some sort of obsessive score-gathering exercise, but also because it’s the only way to bring the game to an end (apart from dying too many times, obviously). Astro Wars only has space for four digits on the scoreboard, which means that as soon as 9,999 is passed the player is showered with triumph. Well, the speaker cranks out a window-wobbling “mission accomplished” tune anyway. This is exactly the same as the “stage completed” tune ... except it’s repeated for what feels like about ten minutes. It should not be confused with the “you’re dead” jingle, or the tear-jerking piece which plays if all five lives are carelessly lost. Each one a minimalist treat. And a free audio gift for any neighbouring households, too.
Alas, it’s not all fun, fire buttons and furious butterflies. As you might have guessed from the cyclical nature of the game, the longevity isn’t exactly staggering. There isn’t even the incentive to beat your previous highscore, as there’s no in-built capacity for remembering previous bests - and in any case, they’re limited to that victory-maximum of 10,000. An attempt has been made to extend the lifespan by adding four different skill levels, but these are a mixed bag. Essentially, the second skill level speeds the enemy ships up, the third
