Bafflingly, cubes can only be made from trash-dispensing machines (why do these even exist?!) which almost always need to be fixed by finding an additional component. These missing parts consistently tend to be found right next to the machine that needs it; utterly superfluous game design at it’s absolute finest. It’s as if the game continually insists on presenting you with doors that have their key already inserted into the lock, with a giant neon sign above reading “TURN ME”. 

Playing as everyone’s favourite galvanised-turd alternates between cube-throwing and basic platforming, the animated box-on-wheels handling rather fittingly like… a box-on-wheels. The bigger issue here is with the camera, which in hindsight is without a doubt the most interesting and devious enemy in the game. It’s unclear whether the epic battles you’ll be having with this camera were thrown in as some form of intentional metaphor, or whether the malicious personality the camera appears to exhibit is the result of some sort of emergent A.I. cooked up by THQ’s labs. 

Playing as Wall·E’s more sophisticated love-interest EVE does however tend to be an experience that edges towards being fairly enjoyable. EVE can fly, and as such her levels are set in much more open environments than the linear crawls you’re subjected to with Wall·E. Unfortunately, the controls for EVE appear to cater only to the abilities of blind, geriatric bus drivers – fixed camera, single analog stick control; hold a button to move forward. Her levels are also completely devoid of anything that resembles challenge, the tasks given quickly feeling more repetitive and tepid than a McDonald’s worker – fly through tunnels/rings, find a certain number of items scattered across the map. Despite this, her levels are easily the least irritating part of the game, so in this light it almost seems a shame there are only two of them. 

Strangely, for a game that is clearly aimed at an audience who’ve barely just given up self-defecation, Wall·E includes some rather harsh difficulty spikes. Although most of the game is easy enough to drive all but the most hyperactive child into a coma, later levels introduce a dangerous red floor that if touched will INSTANTLY DESTROY YOU! If your child appears to be alternating between fits of catatonia and weeping frustration, hold the call to your family psychologist / exorcist until you’ve burnt any copies of Wall·E kept in you home (preferably in front of your child’s eyes, and in a flamboyantly pagan, ritualistic manner) and you’ll likely find them instantly cured.