Unreal Tournament 3... Like a rocket straight out of a dog’s mouth, it’ll surprise you and see you dead within seconds. It’s a whole bunch of metaphors, similes and descriptive words, none of which will truly convey the speed and nonsense you’ll likely witness while playing this monstrous monstrosity of an insta-gib lollygagger.

If you’re new to the Unreal universe, you’ll want to start off with the Campaign mode. Fresh off the bat, you’re introduced to each new game mode surrounded with a hilariously cod-serious storyline. Everything is given a bizarre and unnecessary purpose. Capture the Flag? That’s not a Flag at all, that’s a "Field Lattice Generator", collecting them will stop the enemies respawners from working!

Everything plays out with awful cut-scenes, where the lead character (Marcus Fenix, anyone?) has arguments with someone from the army about who they fight next. It’s awful stuff, but it’s made with such a serious overtone, intended or not, it’s completely laughable.

Fighting alongside your annoying and stereotypical team-mates you’ll blah blah blah to get revenge on blah blah blah because blah blah blah, let’s kill people. It’s a rather pointless situation, and completely denotes the "Tournament" title, as it has nothing to do with a Tournament, Unreal or not. The good news is, the bots are a perfect way for gradually improving your gibbing skills. At least, so long as they’re not on your team.