See that guy in the bottom left? I’ve never got to him but I bet he wants to play Paper/Scissors/Stone.

Games have grown a lot since Alex Kidd first found it’s way inside a Master System. One thing that’s changed, for instance, is the ability to save a game and continue where you left off, something that Alex Kidd could really have benefitted from considering there’s a 1 in 3 chance of completing each level.

I’ll give him 10 seconds before he mis-times a punch and gets a faceful of Eagle.

How did I come up with those odds? Well I’m talking about a specific section of each level; Janken. Who in the world of backwards thinking decided it was a good idea to include a paper/scissors/stone match at the end of a level? There’s a reason people use it in real life to settle bets or decide who does the washing up: It’s bloody random.

So after slipping and sliding your way through the levels, getting used to the fact that you have to press the punch button a good split second before actually reaching the enemy lest you slide face first into their arse, you have to compete with this nonsense.

Only it’s not quite random, they all have a set Paper/Scissors/Stone routine that they go through, so if you really want to get through the game, you could always write down what the answers are. But then, that simply means it’s a game of trial and error, which is equally as frustrating with minimal lives and the constant "START AGAIN!" looming over your soul.

So that’s annoying, what else is annoying? Reaching the castle boss before you find the letter for the King. The first castle is a good few levels into the game, meaning a mistake at this point would be annoying indeed. If you enter the boss fight before finding the letter for the King, then there’s no going back. You’ve wronged yourself. You’ve shat on your own doorstep. You’re failed your purpose. The King chases you off and you’re absolutely buggered.

It’s not all bad though. Stupid game design doesn’t necessarily destroy a game completely, and if you persevere, this is actually one of the better SMS games you can come across. For a start, the vehicles are fun to use. The Helicopter is awkward, but skillful and the motorbike is excitingly fast but both will explode in a shower of sadness should you so much as hit a red circle. Red circles are bitches man.

Wahey! This is more like it - Riding a bike is like having a super fast extra life in Alex Kidd.

It’s a good game. It is. It’s ridiculously annoying, but it’s good. I find it hard to hate the stupid big eared freak that punches his way around the annoying levels because there’s so much worse on the machine. So much worse. It’s also one of the nicer looking games, big colourful sprites that will kill you instantly, nice chunky blocks to punch that release miniature Grim Reapers that will kill you instantly and some nice variety in the levels. Which will kill you instantly.