“Urrg nuurg uh guurr!” That’s not the sound of a seizure, it’s actually colloquial Barbarian for “I say dear, would you pass the mustard?” You see, these proud people would enjoy nothing more than to host extravagant dinner parties for distinguished guests. Alas, a chronic inability to express these dreams with any clarity means that the Barbarian clans are instead forced to strip to their pants and fight each other with broadswords. Cruel world, eh?

Their loss is our gaming gain, as Barbarian is one of the finer, er, sword-em-ups the Speccy has to offer. Alright, I think it’s probably the only one - but that’s a sign of innovation, rather than monopolistic laziness. It’s a one-on-one slashfest to the death, with a variety of surprisingly balletic movements on offer to help each player achieve victory. These are accessed in traditional “hold fire and press a direction” fashion, which, when diagonals are taken into account, offers a fair old selection of thrusts, cuts and elaborate manoeuvres with exotic names like “web of death.”

Chief amongst these is the infamous “flying neck-chop.” When executed correctly, your luckless opponent will be … well … executed correctly - instantly slain as his head flies from his shoulders. It’s easy to become obsessed with this, but constant attempts to behead later computerised foes will only end in failure. They’re savvy enough to counter with a humbling headbutt to the face. The cads.

The humble Speccy can’t support any different styles of warrior, so although our nameless champion battles against hooded adversaries in the single player game (aiming to defeat dastardly wizard Drax and save Maria Whittaker, they are essentially identical clone versions of himself. The AI offers a reasonable learning curve, but proves disappointingly vulnerable to a repeated “double roll and kick in the corner of the screen” strategy, even on higher levels. Once perfected, this brutal tactic makes it pointlessly easy to progress.

Two player mode is less troubled by this. Pummelling someone in a corner is still effective, but not unstoppable. A wily friend is far more likely to skip over a rolling attacker, switching the players over and reversing everyone’s controls (until they switch back again). This version of the game also provides different backdrops for bloodletting, swapping Drax’s throne room for magenta moorland and a secluded forest glade.

Sadly, longevity is Barbarian’s downfall. Even if the foolproof technique for triumphing over the AI is never learned, the hack and stab action gradually loses its appeal. Challenging a chum to a duel can extend the lifespan to a degree, but even decapitating close colleagues eventually loses its lustre. It’s worth an occasional revisit, but nothing to lose your head over.